Funny How It Is

I usually get over guys pretty easily after I meet a new person. That said new person is new to me so what I don't know about them, I assume. Well, this time. These new people are more or less acting like drugs. I like them for a while and I'm hella happy until they wear off. It's like after the "high", I go back to liking M.B. all over again.

I'm just kind of proud of the fact that I keep my cool around him. Well, on AIM, but on AIM you can't tell what the other person's real emotions are. So, he doesn't know I cry over him. He likes this girl and I'm telling him to go after her. I mean, if he likes her and she makes him happy, why not?

As long as she isn't a bitch to him, I'm cool with it. I guess I can cope and try to get over him. I doubt it will be that hard...

I Found The One

Every person has a dream guy/girl. Well, my dream guy is Kaiden/Jakin/Matt. His name has to be one of those. He plays guitar and he can dance. He's Asian and he speaks a different language. He has dimples and he plays badminton. Do you see where I'm going here? I have an ideal perfect guy and I found him. Can you believe that? I am 15 years old yet I have already found my dream guy but as always there's a catch.

I finally talked to him after a while and I was highly disappointed. He did not understand me. It was so weird. He did not like my best friend and I don't know, I just stopped seeing whatever I saw in him. Sure he plays guitar and does badminton. He's an Asian who can speak a different language but he does not get me. And that just ruined it. My dream guy was right in front of me and when I stepped a bit closer, he wasn't "The One" at all.

I Can't Wait

I feel like February is coming a little bit TOO slowly. I want it to be badminton season again. I want to play again. I want to run a mile everyday for conditioning...okay, maybe not that. But I just need to practice but I have like nobody to practice with. Well, nobody I honestly want to practice with...maybe my #1 bestie during break? I don't know I just can't wait until I get to play my favorite sport once again.

Brain Domination

The past two days have been dedicated to a specific person I like to call M.B. I didn't plan it, it just happened. I dream about him, I think about him. Every moment has been about him. I can't even concentrate on anything anymore. M.B. this, M.B. that. I mean, hell I fucking cried. I am so stressed out on this. Why do I keep thinking about him? Why do I keep dreaming about him? Why is he so important. I mean, his name is just there, in my head, tattooed into my brain. I can't get rid of him. And distractions don't work. This is coming from a person who gets distracted by watching something move side to side!

I was okay with thinking of him for the first few hours yesterday but now it's getting ridiculous. I have FINALS to worry about and I can't even concentrate on studying. People keep telling me to chill but WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO?! My gosh, I just need a minute to myself without M.B. playing on repeat in my mind. Just one moment alone, one moment with my mind being mine again.

Getting Over You with a Twist

I like M.B. That is obvious but I didn't exactly think liking him through. I mean, I understand that you don't choose the person you like but Maria is right. Liking him is a bad thing.

I'm afraid of losing him, very scared. I don't want one of my best friends to leave. I know that if I tell him that I like him, he'll reject me and our relationship will get strained. I can't let that happen but as Maria says, I already am hurting. I'll never have him and he is just there. So in reach but he's like sand slipping through my fingers. He's so close, he's so far. He's a star that I see every night but can never hold.

So what's better? Asking him and finding out whether he likes me back or not. Or leaving it the way it is? Because truth be told, having him as a best friend is better than not having him at all. But I already know he doesn't like me. He likes another girl, he told me so. And I wish I was her but I'm not so it's time to get on with my life.

So I decided to create what I like to call "Bye Bye DR". AKA "Bye Bye MB". The twisted part is, M.B. is trying to help me get over him because apparently he thinks I like one of his friends.

Dreaming of You

I, like everyone, has dreams about the person I like but usually it only happens once. Then, I never dream of them again. But see, whenever I do have another dream about them, that means something significant happened. If I dream about them more than once per night, that means something very dramatic happened and I can't sleep until its either over or fixed.

So last night, I dreamt about M.B. He was there in all of the dreams and in all them, I was crestfallen, I was hurt. Why? Because for some reason, although he was in the dream, he wasn't with me. It was like we were both in the dreams but living two separate lives. That's something I don't want. I can live without not having him, but not talking to him? That's a different story. I need him in my life as my best friend. My safety net, my fallback pillow. I mean, there are some things that my other best friends don't know about yet he does. I just can't have him leave me. What if these dreams showed the future?

Is he going to leave me soon? After this project, will he completely leave me? I can't have that, I don't want that. That's too much for me to handle. I need him. M.B., please don't leave me.

Not Worth It

Apparently, nobody wants to talk to me. I'm not going to start crying and act all emotional whining, "Why doesn't anybody care about me?" because honestly, I don't care. In a way, I'm happy that no one IMed me or texted me or even called. Why? I know who to trust now.

I took this experiment as a way to find out who I could trust. I know, crazy right? I figured out who I could trust by waiting by my phone and computer all day long. Whoever IMed, texted, or called me were on the list. The list that would make it into my new life.

The new life starts next year. I guess you can say it's a New Year's resolution as it will start on the First of January. Basically, I'm not going to let people get close. I have let that happen and it tends to hurt. I'll stay the same old me, I just don't want to be as vulnerable as before. I don't, I won't be as needy because I am stronger than that.

This "new life" starts with one thing. Getting rid of M.B. and Bacon. That's the only way I can get through this alive, I need to know my priorities and guys are at the bottom of that list.

The Writings on the Backpack

I tend to doodle all over the place, even on my backpack. I have the names of my friends, my favorite hockey players and teams, names of songs, and even lyrics from those songs but I never knew why I wrote it all down.

My backpack is covered completely in writings that describe me. They are everything I am and everything I like. I guess you could say it's like a portable piece of my personality. The writings on my backpack are just scars of who I am.

They all have deeper meanings. Daniel, why is he so important? He is someone who can easily get people to trust him, or is it just me? Well, he's a scar, a mistake I am disappointed and glad about at the same time. All those lyrics, I just wish they were about me. I want to be in that story and I wish I was. Those hockey players, I envy them as they live out their dreams while I'm still dreaming about mine.

Everything on there from the numbers to the words, they are all scars of who I am. Mistakes, reminders, and just plain nothing to tell me who I am, what I've been through and how to learn and get over it. It's just like life. I can cross out Dustin's name but he will always be there. I could rewrite everything as they fade away. It's just like how memories can stay forever. Everything on my backpack is me, I just wish I didn't regret parts of it.

Tell Me I'm Worth It

One time, when my friend was asked to "hang out" with a guy, she asked me to come with them. Why? I tend to help people out of awkward situations by starting conversations because that's what I do. I'm a conversation starter, whether I say "You're weird." or "I like your hair.", I always tend to make something out of one sentence. I am a very open person but today, I don't want to be so open.

Every conversation I have ever had, most of the time, has been started by me. The talks I have with my friends on the phone were all because I called them first. My AIM chats, I say hi first. On Myspace, Facebook, etc., I always start first.

For once though, I want to be the second person to be in the conversation. I want to be talked to for once. I want someone to come to me. I don't want to be the ice breaker. I show them that I want to talk to them. I show them that they are worth going up to and talking to, even if I hardly know them. For today, just one day, I want to see if I'm worth it. Am I? Do my best friends actually want to talk to me or am I just there?

In and Out of Grasp

I don't know why I like him so much. I mean, honestly, I don't even know what makes him different from everyone I know. He's funny, sure, as many people I know are. He's cute, yes, but I have a lot of guy friends and some even better looking. Is it because he's from my rival school? But I've dated a person from my rival school so that's not it.

I don't know, he's just there. He has that...ability? He can make me tell him things I'd never tell anyone. He can make me trust him so easily. I just don't understand. Why does he mean so much to me if he hasn't even been in my life for more than a month?

I trust easily, I know that much but what about his best friend? I met him around the same time but I've known him longer. I can't tell that guy anything yet when it comes to M.B., he doesn't even have to say anything, I'll spill it all to him.

Maybe it's how he never judges me. Maybe it's because when I told him something that would make people walk away, he stayed saying that he didn't care. I just don't get it. Why did he stay? Why did I let him?

I have two facades. The first one people see is the one where I am a complete bitch. I tend to trust easily so I guess I just don't want people to get too close. The second one is where I am the happy me, I just lie about the way I feel by being hyper and random. Well, he never even saw the bitch part of me. From the start, I was nice to him. And the second part, he did see but he got through that too. I act hyper and crazy when I'm in public but when its me talking to him, I don't know, I just tell him the truth because I feel like he is the only one who will understand. The funny part is, I feel like I trust him more than my best friend whom I've known since third grade.

People keep telling me to ask him out and get with him already but I don't think I'll ever tell him that I like him. It's not about getting rejected or him breaking my heart, it's about losing him. I don't want to lose him. I want him to stay with me forever, even if that means wanting and wishing for something I can't have. But that's life right? You can't get everything you want, even if you are probably just one question away from having it.

Oh, So That's Why

You can never understand something until you've been through it. I guess I could say LESSON LEARNED. There are a lot of people out there that cheat on others and you say that they are inconsiderate jerks. Well, maybe that's true but there is a reason for everything, even that.

Some people cheat because they just don't know how to break it off with someone. I know it's bad to lead someone on but I guess I see where it's coming from now.

I got a boyfriend a week ago. It wasn't exactly a relationship as it only lasted a few hours until I broke up with him. I broke up with him because I figured out that I liked his friend and I knew little to nothing about him. It took me three hours to find out that I wanted to break it off and that made me feel bad. I mean, I just got with the guy, he told all his friends, and I decide that I like one of his best friends?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that cheating is bad but now I know why people do it. I probably would've led him on too if it wasn't for my friends telling me to tell him the truth. Well, at least I can use that for future reference.

Hurry up July, come quick!

Every word that comes out of his mouth benefits him. Every action he does satisfies him and only him. The only person that matters to him is him.

My very non-judgmental best friend says he's an asshole. My other best friends say to just stop talking to him and others ask why the hell I hang out with him.

Last weekend, I paid for his food at a movie theater. When I told his friend about it, all I got was a head-shake and a "Girls should never pay for the guys." Oh, and to add to that, he complained about what I got him.

He annoys the hell out of me and loves to sarcastically tell me, "What a good friend you are." He thinks I'm a bitch and he loves to bitch about himself.

He likes to talk about himself and he doesn't even know my first name. He's such a great friend, I'll cry when he joins the Marines, which he will do in July.

He doesn't know the difference between Marines and the National Guard either. I mean, in the movie theater, he would talk about how he would be one of the guys in the NATIONAL GUARD commercial. When I corrected him saying that the Marines and the Army were different, he said I was wrong.

Now tell me again how this will work? The most selfish person I know is joining the military. The military is about helping people other than yourself right? So, why is he joining?

Hopefully, basic training will make him think twice about life and actual care for someone other than himself for once.

Movies are based on life.

Today, I watched the movie, Keith. It has Jesse McCartney in it so I'm pretty sure you can understand why I picked it. Well, this movie reminded me of something I have been going through for the past month.

October 13, 2009. That would be the day that storm that hit San Jose. It was raining hard and the wind was blowing all day. You would think that the weather would be an omen but it wasn't. Somehow, it was just the opposite.

After school, a guy who sat next to me in my first period asked me to tutor him because he was new to the class and he missed a lot. I said yes and he told me that it was strictly tutoring. I think that was the turning point of everything. I guess you could call me a rebel. I don't like being told what to do. At that moment, Jake, my last crush, completely left my mind after being there for months.

That night, JJ, the guy I was tutoring, called and he asked why I always gave him "mean looks." The truth is, one of my closest friends hated his guts and I am easily swayed in any given situation but I didn't exactly want to tell him that because said friend and I were on no-speaking terms. I said the second thing that came into my mind, "You voice is annoying."

Even though JJ probably doesn't remember, he was in my first period last year too. His voice used to be so loud and obnoxious, it was horrible. I remember thinking he was so cute the first time I saw him. Then, he had to open his mouth. Now, I honestly don't know what happened because he is so quiet, it scares me.

The first time we had a tutoring session was perfect. He got his homework done and he understood it. There is one problem, that was our last session. He started to ditch me and the second time I tried to do it, he decided to complete change the subject and waste a few good hours I could have spent doing my own homework. Everything fell apart after that.

I would try to help him but he would just blow me off and pretend I didn't exist. He even started to avoid me and that hurt a lot. You see, not only was this tutoring supposed to benefit him, but it was supposed to benefit me. I had to tutor him for an important project but he quit on me. He bailed on me when it went way too far. Not only was I seriously crushing on him but I couldn't change my project either. I cried for hours with my best friend telling me he wasn't worth it while in my head I was saying the opposite.

JJ was worth it, to me he was. I got attached so easily to him and I couldn't let him throw everything away so I repeatedly called him, texted him, IMed him for nothing. Hell, I even went up to him and begged him but none of that was good enough for him. So, my best friend spent part of his birthday doing something he shouldn't have, comforting me.

What I'm trying to say here is that JJ and Keith, from the movie, are practically the same. They both sell themselves short thinking that they have nothing to live for when they do. They both are smart when they apply themselves and they have people that care about them no matter what. They just can't see that.

Maybe, JJ will finally open his eyes and start to see that I really wasn't trying to be a "bitch" to him, I was just trying to help him. I wanted to be that one person who would never let him down, he just didn't want me to. So I did what he asked, I stopped trying but that didn't mean I gave up on him. I know he's stronger than that. He's fallen many times before, I'm pretty sure he can raise himself up again without my help

Mr. Right

I won't beat around the bush, I'm just going to say it without any candy coating. I am shallow. I am probably the most shallow person in California. I, like every other girl on this planet, have a dream guy. This dream guy is probably why I haven't had my first boyfriend yet. Hell, my first kiss.

That is all my fault. You see, I have been asked out before but I have never said yes. You want to know why? I don't think they are good enough. None of them are even close to my dream guy so I just turn them down the second they ask the question.

Maybe it's fate. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be but I don't like being blinded. What if Mr. Right comes along and I turn him down because I don't think he's perfect? That's the bad thing. I will never know when he comes along because I'm too hung up on a guy who doesn't even exist.

You want some advice? I'll give it to you. Don't let Mr. Right control your life. Take a good look at the guy asking you out. Make the right choice, even if he isn't Mr. Right. You never know. He might just become perfect in your eyes.

Confessions of a Black Sheep

I get straight A's, play a sport, and am the perfect model student in the eyes of my teachers. I am what everyone calls a nerd. The funny thing is, I am the furthest thing from a nerd. I get good grades and I'm known for being a goody two shoes (when I get in trouble people go easy on me since I have great grades) yet I crave something.

I crave attention. It's the one thing I want the most. I might sound like those wannabes who crave popularity but I'm not. I am the black sheep. I am the invisible character that nobody cares about in all those romance novels. I'm the girl who tries her best to get the attention of my parents. Yep, I want my parents' attention.

You might think that I have it, what with the perfect school record but that's far from it. In my entire life, I have never felt like I was #1 in my parents' eyes. Not for a second. There is always somebody better.

I want to go to NYU, (insert child of family friend here) wants to become a nurse. Has his/her life all planned out. I joined my school's badminton team, (cue mother's voice) "Why not do track like your brother?" I could state all of my accomplishments but there is always someone who does better.

You wanna know something else ironic? Even when I am the one doing better, I'm not good enough. I get only one B while the rest are A's and I get yelled at. They get C's yet I have to look up to them. I don't understand. Why am I invisible? At school, people envy my 'perfection', out of it, I envy their limelight.

Since May 11th, 1994, my parents have rambled on about the great accomplishments of their friends' children, my cousins, and my brother. I am always being compared to a person who I am nothing like and said person always beats me. I remember my first badminton game, my parents couldn't come but after it, I wanted to tell them that we lost. I tried to tell my mom but she ended up not knowing. She was too busy talking to my brother.

I sound so stupid, so immature. I want so much to be accepted by the people who gave me life but I know I probably never will be. I want them to let me be in the limelight for once but I know that spot will always be reserved for someone else. Out of all the things I want in life, this is the most important to me and it's also the thing I know I probably will never have. You can't buy your parents approval or give everything you have for it because it's something you can't force. Trust me, I've tried for fifteen years but here I am writing about one of my dreams. But why keep dreaming when I know that would only lead to false hope.

Getting Over You

Everyone has had crushes, infatuations, and pained loves. Everyone wants to know how to get over that specific person, that heart breaker. And guess what. I have the cure.

Write them a letter, with no intention of giving it to them, and write everything in it. You're thoughts, your feelings, what you love about them, and what you hate. Don't give it to them. Read it over and over again. In time, you'll see, that person might not be who you want them to be. And you'll notice just how much you know about them...a page or two. You'll feel better after you write it.

And if you don't get over that person, maybe that's how it was meant to be.

Important Rule In Life: Think Twice

Today, we had a game. I left near the end of the game to go to 7-11 for a fucking slurpee. I got in trouble. And you know what? That was the worst drink ever. Guess what it tasted like. Guilt. Guilt and stupidity and naivety and idiocy. I mean how can I be so damn stupid. I just had to follow what they did. I got in trouble for it. So do yourself a favor in life. Think twice. Things that might seem good at the time could have consequences. Think twice. Know what you're doing before you do it.

Three's The Charm

Obsessions are kinda part of life, I think. So it's okay to be a little obsessed with cleanliness, perfection, or even numbers. I'm obsessed with numbers, well just one. The number 3. Yes, three, three, three. I love that number. I really do. I like doing everything in three. If I don't, I can get a little crazy, err, crazier than I usually am. So if someone calls you a freak for being obsessed with a few numbers, they're the freak because you're not the only one. They're the abnormal ones, not you. Oh and by the way, THREE IS A MAGIC NUMBER! Yes it is, it's a magic number. (I'm also obsessed with former Dream Streeter Matt Ballinger <333)

Anonymous Quotes...

Okay so I was reading on fictionpress.com, no life remember?, well anyways, I found this awesome quote. It's anonymous. "If the world didn't suck, we'd fall off." I mean I was thinking and I was like wow. How ironic. It's true in a literal and figurative sense. I mean (I been using that excessively huh?) if there wasn't any gravity, we'd be in space and life sucking is just, part of life. Without the bad things, we wouldn't have the good things to balance them out. Yin and Yang people. Dark and Light. Good and bad. Okay yeah, that's all I wanted to say. If the world didn't suck, we really would fall off.

Walking Hormones

I'm 14 years old and it's Spring Break. No offense to my friends but their dramatic bullshit (I hope they don't read this.) is so boring. What I'm trying to say is that I have no life and I don't really want to hang out with my friends. I mean when they asked me to go with them to the mall, I was begging my dad not to let me go. Yeah, that's how annoying their trials and tribulations are. Ah, the joys of high school. Note the sarcasm. And you'd think I would be the dramatic one considering I'm the freshman, they're older than me! Seriously wow. Well anyways, back to the point, because I wanted my break to be dramatic stress free, I haven't gone anywhere with my friends or did anything. Hell, the last time I saw them was last Friday. I know this is really mean to say but I'm practically jumping up and down yelling yippee at the top of my lungs. I really don't enjoy large intakes of drama. It's ironic since drama is a drug. I guess I'm one of those people who aren't addicted to it. I like it but seriously, at school it's enough. Okay I'm rambling so moving on.

My boredom totally got to me so I read this story on fictionpress.com called Fire And Ice. In one of the chapters, the characters called guys walking hormones. I thought it was insanely funny and the scary part was (dun dun dun) wait for it, wait for it...it's so fucking true!!! Excuse my German (I know that it's suppose to be French. I like being different. Sue me, actually don't!). I was out with my dramatic friends, and a specific person, who shall not be named, was totally checking out every female. When I mean check out, I don't mean he was just looking at her. No, I meant he was rating each girl head to toe. Not overall, each part. The good, the bad. Yeah, all he could think about was her breast and buttocks. What the hell is with that? No respect. All he saw was her boobs and ass?? WTF? Guys are walking hormones. And if that isn't proof, I don't know what else is. If you're a guy and you're reading this, even you sensitive ones, don't try to deny it, because it's true at least part of the time. I'm not saying all the time but at least sometimes you are one.

Think of Me and I'll Think of You

Insomnia is when you can't sleep. A lot of people have it. *cough*My brother*cough* Do you ever wonder what causes this? Well, I remember my mom telling me and my brother how if you can't sleep it's because somebody is thinking of you. So whenever I went to bed but couldn't sleep, I'd ask myself the same question. Who's thinking about me right now? And when I had my crushes, I'd wonder if he could sleep when I couldn't. Was he thinking of me, like I was thinking of him? I'll never know.

When you go to bed at night, when you can't seem to fall asleep, your thoughts drift off to a specific person, a real person or maybe even fake (Like me, what's the point in denying the fact that I have a dream guy in my mind?), and you wonder if they're thinking of you or if they are even real. And if you're lucky enough to be able to glance out your window, look at the sky, because the person your thinking of might be looking up at the same time, thinking of you. So Mr. In My Dreams (I don't want to say my dream prince's name, it will ruin it.) I want you to think of me. You do that and I will think of you. But it wouldn't matter because I think of you every minute of every single day.

Hate Has A Real Definition And A Fake One?

If you hate someone, you don't like them. You loathe them. That's the definition in the dictionary but if you really think about it, is this true? I don't believe it is. I was reading this story on FictionPress.com and fell in love with one of the quotes. The story is called 'When You Own The Universe'. Jonah Mills, one of the main characters, told the girl he loves an amazingly truthful quote. "Hate isn't the opposite of love, it isn't even close. Hate is just... angrily caring for someone. Hate is feeling so powerful about someone that you can't help but show it. Just like love is."

I believe that every word of that quote was the truth. Hate and love are similar emotions. Hate isn't loathing, its the opposite. Hate is love, angry love. And that's all it is. Angry love.

Next time you want to tell someone you hate them, think twice because it's just saying "I love you but right now I'm mad at you."

A Hidden Message

Everything is a symbol of something greater, more powerful. Everything. The sky, grass, hell even a calender has a meaning behind it and I'm not talking about the obvious one. I mean, the calender marks how short your life is. And how you should live it. Plan ahead but make sure you have some open dates for the unexpected. The grass is the beauty of nature. It's like a mini Earth. Full of life and beauty. There's death and life. It has everything but the most important symbol is the sky.

The sky. It goes on forever and ever. It has no end. Just like love. Love is translucent, it conquers all. That's why I don't believe in unrequited love, I used to but I don't now. The sky is beautiful day and night. Just like love. That bright blue with the white clouds rolling by. You could look up and admire it for hours with no end. It's beautiful and perfect no matter what. Love is beautiful even if you have hardships. The sky sometimes is boring because there are gray clouds that cover it but if you wait long enough, the sun will brighten everything up. Same with love, you will overcome the hardships if you wait. And if it's true love, you have the strength to wait forever and never need to because love conquers all. Love will make everything better, everything would just get brighter. At night, the sky is a midnight blue, almost black and the stars are so bright. It's a wonderful sight. It's breathtakingly beautiful. Amazing. Isn't that what love is? Beautiful and wonderful and amazing. That's all it really is. A sky. Love is a sky, that's all it is. That's how important it is.

Everyone out there looks up into the sky and admire the beauty. Is it not just love they're admiring and adoring? Like the sky, love has no end. It goes on forever and forever. Next time you look up at the sky and see those clouds, the sun, moon, and the stars, think about what it really means. How much importance it possesses. How much we need it. And how much we need love.

If You Cried Me A River, I Would Save You From Drowning In It.

If you cried me a river, I would save you from drowning in it. That's the first and last two lines of a song I wrote in seventh grade. It's called Hero. Cliche much? Yeah, I know. I wrote it for a guy that I used to like. When I mean like I mean head over heels infatuated. I did everything for him. I even changed for him.

I changed my look, my "sight on life", I even changed my favorite hobby and the music I listened to. I have changed since then though. I have a more optimistic sight on life but everything else is the same. Well, my look is similar with the exception of the more bright uplifting colors. But like I said everything else is the same. He changed me. I'm mad at my seventh grade self for letting a guy dictate my life but in a way, he opened my blind eyes. He got rid of the blindfold and now a real smile is plastered on my face, not a forced fake barbie-ish one. I actually used to think I loved him but I guess I loved how he made me change. I love the new me now. I'm not as stupid and he helped me figure myself out. I don't look in the mirror and ask myself "Who am I?" because I know who I am because of him. And for that I'm very grateful but I doubt I would ever admit that to him. I haven't talked to him since seventh grade. Yeah, two years. But I will always remember those words that changed my life forever. "It's a really good song." He may not know it but that phrase. That line was the reason why I started writing songs. Started loving lyrics and started loving music. I used to be annoyed with music. I'd rather watch TV but now I would rather listen to Matchbook Romance or even Ryan Cabrera.

Everyone has that time that opened up there eyes to reality. Their first beginning. Before him, I was living a 13 year chapter in my life. A never ending chapter or more like prologue to my life. But now, because of him, an old crush, I'm living life with each day being a new chapter, an exciting chapter, and life could never be so imperfectly perfect. If you cried me a river, I would save you from drowning in it. I never cried a river because he saved me before I ever needed to.

Dramatic Stress

Okay. Everyone goes through it, especially in high school. I like to call it dramatic stress. Over analyzing everything from boys/girls to more boys and girls. "It's so complicated! I love him but he loves her!" I'm not trying to be mean by mimicking people who say that but don't think I'm a bitch. I've felt that way before too so don't say you don't know what it's like when I do. Well, at least I used to.

I used to feel like I loved him but I never did and probably never do. I'm in high school. I don't love him, I used to like him but I don't anymore. Isn't it ironic how we go through so many crushes when you're a teenager? You say you love them but then you find somebody better. It's really weird. You'll cry about unrequited love and then you see a random hottie pass you by and make those googly eyes and drool once again.

Dramatic stress, I think it is made in our heads to be bigger than it truly is. Do I really like him/her? Does he really like her/him? We ask ourselves this over and over again when we shouldn't even bother. A lot of people I know tell their boyfriends/girlfriends that they love them but I doubt they really do. Infatuation and love really are practically the same. The difference is that one is an illusion of the other, those feelings are fake, infatuation is just fake love. We go through over analyzing our feelings for someone when the truth is we don't even have feelings for them. It was just a waste of time.

Everyone should stop wasting their time and stop being naive. If they do, they could finally open their blind eyes and see the only thing that they were looking for was waiting for them to realize they were there. Open your eyes, you'll see something you never dreamed of seeing. And you like it, you'll love it.

Infatuation/Lust vs. Love

A lot of people out there are hurting because of an emotional disease, unrequited love. But lucky them, its curable, they just don't know it.

Heartbreak, sadness, we've all gone through it but most of us make it out alive just to be caught in another ditch. You know how it's said, you can't choose the person you love? That is so true but sometimes the person you're attracted to isn't the one you love. You know it too, you just don't want to face reality so turn to him/her in desperation. You think they are what you want until you find someone else.

It hurts to know that the person you like doesn't like you or want you the way you want them. Face it. It's not love, its lust and infatuation. You have made it so you think you love them because they are the closest to your dream prince charming or princess.

The truth is, you have one but not that one. Everyone is perfect for someone else. There will always be that somebody. Just find them. And stop hurting yourself. Put a real smile on that face.

A Fake Superstition

Today it was raining. Hard but with some breaks. They say that rain is a bad thing, that it is a sign of bad luck. You wanna know what I think? Rain makes everything okay. It washes away everything, including the bad stuff.

You want me to prove it? Well today my badminton team won their first game in a very long time. When I mean long I mean long. Against Willow Glen. Is that surprising or what.

If a team like us (I'm not trying to make it sound bad.) can win our first game 8-7 against Rams then I'm pretty sure anything could happen. And rain is not a bad thing, its a great thing. Don't believe in every superstition.

An Alternate Universe

There's a reason why you are on your computer. And have a Toshiba or Sony or another LCD screen in your house. There's a reason why I write lyrics. And there's a reason why I read. Why, you ask. Well, its simple really. We all want to escape reality. Real life.

Why do we try to hide from the real world? We want a vacation from the anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal, and lost that we feel. All of those negative emotions that make life unlivable, well to us. Watching, reading, and writing (I'm not saying that what I'm writing right now is fake, unless you believe that. Hey, if its your opinion good for you, yeah, don't care) are fantasies, dreams we want to escape to. We fantasize about a place we want to be and sometimes it will feel real. Who hasn't dreamt of being Bella Swan or even Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus. We all have, probably, okay maybe not guys but you never know. (No, I don't fantasize about being Hannah/Miley, I just used that because many people know her.) We all do this because we don't like who we are. We always want something more.

It's nature so it's okay right? Well, I know I love my life and wouldn't trade it for anything but sometimes, I dream too. So I read. Yes, and write. And Watch tv. I do all this to free my self from reality. From the real world. It's good to dream, it is because if you dream enough, your alternate universe will collide with your real one.

Hopeless Dreamer

What is a hopeless romantic? A lot of guys don't know. It is really ironic since many are one but what makes a hopeless romantic a hopeless romantic?

I always thought that a romantic was a sweet person who thought how to make dates perfect, how to make your life suit you the way you want it to. Someone hopeless is someone who is desperate. Would do anything so there. That's a hopeless romantic, a desperate lover. He/She would do anything for you.

Okay, here comes my questions. Unanswered questions. Well duh Jen, that's why you're asking them. Oh geez, now I'm referring to myself in third person. Uhh (yes, that is how I spell it, not ugh, uhh.). Are hopeless romantics real? Or are they just made up for Hollywood? Is there such thing as a guy who knows how to be cheesy but sound sweet at the same time? Or am I just a hopeless dreamer waiting for Prince Charming to come and rescue me?

Green Grass

So they say that the grass is greener on the other side but is it? Well, personally, I don't think so. I used to but I guess it was my naivety talking. I'm a teenager so I don't understand a thing, right? Wrong. Dead wrong.

The grass is not greener on the other side. It never was and never will be. Heaven is what everyone calls perfection. Everyone thinks that the best things are in heaven when they are very wrong. Is that why people commit suicide? They think death is better than life? Well, it's not. I know this because The grass is greener on this side. Not in heaven. Not in hell. Not after death. Life is green, beautiful, perfect. You may not believe I'm right but I believe so. I really do. I'm not just saying this because I can, I'm saying this because I'm not blind anymore. I see the light, and that light is my life.

Sounds like I'm dying but I'm not. I feel alive. Finally, I feel peace. It's funny because I used to think I could not live my life without him. Without Prince Charming. But guess what? He's not Prince Charming and my Knight in Shining Armor is out there. But if I don't believe that, then I can't live my life. I would believe that the grass is greener on the other side when he's on this side. So what am I going to do? Smile for that polaroid camera and live life. Not just live but feel Alive because the grass is greener on this side.

10:30pm I Guess I Do Need Him

Dear Diary,

You know how many independent women say they don't need a guy to live? Well, guess what. I'm one of the majority that do. Pretty sad, huh?

Today, at the game, he wasn't there. And I sucked like shit. I kept missing the birdie and making it hit the net. It's ironic how I was okay but now it's getting worse. I used to think that it was nothing. Just a crush, nothing big. Apparently, it isn't. I haven't gotten over him. I can't look away. Hell, I can't even stay away.

And I keep wondering. When? When will it stop? When will it go away? It shouldn't be like this. Life in high school was fine until he showed up in my life. It hurts like hell. And the worst part, I need him. I can't do anything unless I think he'll approve. I can't play unless he is there. I need him

Love Jen

11:20am Bottled Up Inside, The Song

I wrote this song according to Bottled Up Inside. I hope you like it. It just came to me.

I try to hide
And I succeed
My stoic face
Never decieving me
The hurt I always feel
You could never tell
I keep it all to myself

And it tortures me
Every single day
Yet I can't seem to
Walk away
From you
I keep it bottled up inside
You don't know how I feel inside
You don't know how I feel inside

I suffer all over again
And it's killing me
The smiles I smile they're never real
Look in my eyes and you'll see the real deal

And it tortures me
Every single day
Yet I can't seem to
Walk away
From you
I keep it bottled up inside
You don't know how I feel inside
You don't know how I feel inside

I look away
Every time I see that look in your eyes
I look up at the blue skies
Thinking why why
Why does it torture me
Every single day
Why can't I seem to
Walk away
From you
I keep it bottled up inside
You don't know how I feel inside
You don't know how I feel inside

It's killing me
And I can't seem to leave
I don't understand
How I can let it torture me
Every single day
Yet I can't seem to
Walk away
From you
I keep it bottled up inside
You don't know how I feel inside
You don't know how I feel inside

My heart is shredding
And you're not letting
It get any easier for me
I know I can't blame you
You don't know
The hurt I feel for you
The hurt I feel when I get a glimpse of you
Of you

And it tortures me
Every single day
Yet I can't seem to
Walk away
From you
I keep it bottled up inside
You don't know how I feel inside
You don't know how I feel inside

The pain I feel
It makes me cry
And now my heart
It desintegrates
The only person that can stop it is you
Just you

And it tortures me
Every single day
Yet I can't seem to
Walk away
From you
I keep it bottled up inside
You don't know how I feel inside
You don't know how I feel inside

So when I lay in bed tonight
I don't want to ever wake up
'Cause I know I'll dream of you
I'll dream of you

7:34pm: Bottled Up Inside

Dear Diary,

And he hurts me again. Over and over. Nothing fades but will it ever?

I haven't been myself lately. Or so I've been told. People, my friends, repeatedly asked me if I was okay today but am I? Was "I'm fine" a good description of my feelings? Of what I see when I see them?

I haven't told anyone. Truth is, I didn't even notice until today. Was I looking for a distraction when I looked the other way or was I just preventing myself from getting hurt? It's probably the latter because whenever I saw the slightest thing out of the corner of my eye, I had to think "happy thoughts" just to keep my eyes normal, not teary. I do not like crying in public. I just don't like my pride being torn like that so I just had to keep a composed face.

I keep a straight face. I try to smile but it lasts for only a second or two. It's hard. I listened to music. I tried to drown it all out. Drown out what I saw, what I'd probably hear. I just couldn't think of it. Not again. I just couldn't. So I put Just Want You To Know by the Backstreet Boys on repeat on a green ipod just to help me not think. Just not think about it. About them.

So I sang along with the lyrics. Sometimes in my head, other times out loud. But did it drown out the hurt, get rid of the tears? No, never. It replays over and over again. Nothing can stop the
image from taking over my mind.

Once lunch was over, the only thing I could think of was getting the hell out of there. I just walked fast to my backpack and put my ipod away. Then, I grabbed my backpack and racket bag and left. Without a goodbye to all my friends, apart from one, I just needed an escape. Maybe it was to my most hated class but anywhere but there would be heaven to me. I just couldn't stand there. If you were in my shoes, what would you have done?

So you would think that he is just a guy. Sure he is a guy but to me, he is everything. Everything and he doesn't know it, probably never will. And I bet you just want to say "Don't worry, you'll get over it. You are only in high school. It's just a crush." but let me tell you something. It's not just a crush and I'm pretty sure it's not love but it's in between the two. And that's enough to make me cry when I think about him and keep me dreaming about him at night.

I have all these questions. Unanswered questions but the one that is most important to me, the one I have bottled up inside, will stay that way. Bottled up, inside.

Love Jen.