Funny How It Is

I usually get over guys pretty easily after I meet a new person. That said new person is new to me so what I don't know about them, I assume. Well, this time. These new people are more or less acting like drugs. I like them for a while and I'm hella happy until they wear off. It's like after the "high", I go back to liking M.B. all over again.

I'm just kind of proud of the fact that I keep my cool around him. Well, on AIM, but on AIM you can't tell what the other person's real emotions are. So, he doesn't know I cry over him. He likes this girl and I'm telling him to go after her. I mean, if he likes her and she makes him happy, why not?

As long as she isn't a bitch to him, I'm cool with it. I guess I can cope and try to get over him. I doubt it will be that hard...

I Found The One

Every person has a dream guy/girl. Well, my dream guy is Kaiden/Jakin/Matt. His name has to be one of those. He plays guitar and he can dance. He's Asian and he speaks a different language. He has dimples and he plays badminton. Do you see where I'm going here? I have an ideal perfect guy and I found him. Can you believe that? I am 15 years old yet I have already found my dream guy but as always there's a catch.

I finally talked to him after a while and I was highly disappointed. He did not understand me. It was so weird. He did not like my best friend and I don't know, I just stopped seeing whatever I saw in him. Sure he plays guitar and does badminton. He's an Asian who can speak a different language but he does not get me. And that just ruined it. My dream guy was right in front of me and when I stepped a bit closer, he wasn't "The One" at all.

I Can't Wait

I feel like February is coming a little bit TOO slowly. I want it to be badminton season again. I want to play again. I want to run a mile everyday for conditioning...okay, maybe not that. But I just need to practice but I have like nobody to practice with. Well, nobody I honestly want to practice with...maybe my #1 bestie during break? I don't know I just can't wait until I get to play my favorite sport once again.

Brain Domination

The past two days have been dedicated to a specific person I like to call M.B. I didn't plan it, it just happened. I dream about him, I think about him. Every moment has been about him. I can't even concentrate on anything anymore. M.B. this, M.B. that. I mean, hell I fucking cried. I am so stressed out on this. Why do I keep thinking about him? Why do I keep dreaming about him? Why is he so important. I mean, his name is just there, in my head, tattooed into my brain. I can't get rid of him. And distractions don't work. This is coming from a person who gets distracted by watching something move side to side!

I was okay with thinking of him for the first few hours yesterday but now it's getting ridiculous. I have FINALS to worry about and I can't even concentrate on studying. People keep telling me to chill but WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO?! My gosh, I just need a minute to myself without M.B. playing on repeat in my mind. Just one moment alone, one moment with my mind being mine again.

Getting Over You with a Twist

I like M.B. That is obvious but I didn't exactly think liking him through. I mean, I understand that you don't choose the person you like but Maria is right. Liking him is a bad thing.

I'm afraid of losing him, very scared. I don't want one of my best friends to leave. I know that if I tell him that I like him, he'll reject me and our relationship will get strained. I can't let that happen but as Maria says, I already am hurting. I'll never have him and he is just there. So in reach but he's like sand slipping through my fingers. He's so close, he's so far. He's a star that I see every night but can never hold.

So what's better? Asking him and finding out whether he likes me back or not. Or leaving it the way it is? Because truth be told, having him as a best friend is better than not having him at all. But I already know he doesn't like me. He likes another girl, he told me so. And I wish I was her but I'm not so it's time to get on with my life.

So I decided to create what I like to call "Bye Bye DR". AKA "Bye Bye MB". The twisted part is, M.B. is trying to help me get over him because apparently he thinks I like one of his friends.

Dreaming of You

I, like everyone, has dreams about the person I like but usually it only happens once. Then, I never dream of them again. But see, whenever I do have another dream about them, that means something significant happened. If I dream about them more than once per night, that means something very dramatic happened and I can't sleep until its either over or fixed.

So last night, I dreamt about M.B. He was there in all of the dreams and in all them, I was crestfallen, I was hurt. Why? Because for some reason, although he was in the dream, he wasn't with me. It was like we were both in the dreams but living two separate lives. That's something I don't want. I can live without not having him, but not talking to him? That's a different story. I need him in my life as my best friend. My safety net, my fallback pillow. I mean, there are some things that my other best friends don't know about yet he does. I just can't have him leave me. What if these dreams showed the future?

Is he going to leave me soon? After this project, will he completely leave me? I can't have that, I don't want that. That's too much for me to handle. I need him. M.B., please don't leave me.

Not Worth It

Apparently, nobody wants to talk to me. I'm not going to start crying and act all emotional whining, "Why doesn't anybody care about me?" because honestly, I don't care. In a way, I'm happy that no one IMed me or texted me or even called. Why? I know who to trust now.

I took this experiment as a way to find out who I could trust. I know, crazy right? I figured out who I could trust by waiting by my phone and computer all day long. Whoever IMed, texted, or called me were on the list. The list that would make it into my new life.

The new life starts next year. I guess you can say it's a New Year's resolution as it will start on the First of January. Basically, I'm not going to let people get close. I have let that happen and it tends to hurt. I'll stay the same old me, I just don't want to be as vulnerable as before. I don't, I won't be as needy because I am stronger than that.

This "new life" starts with one thing. Getting rid of M.B. and Bacon. That's the only way I can get through this alive, I need to know my priorities and guys are at the bottom of that list.

The Writings on the Backpack

I tend to doodle all over the place, even on my backpack. I have the names of my friends, my favorite hockey players and teams, names of songs, and even lyrics from those songs but I never knew why I wrote it all down.

My backpack is covered completely in writings that describe me. They are everything I am and everything I like. I guess you could say it's like a portable piece of my personality. The writings on my backpack are just scars of who I am.

They all have deeper meanings. Daniel, why is he so important? He is someone who can easily get people to trust him, or is it just me? Well, he's a scar, a mistake I am disappointed and glad about at the same time. All those lyrics, I just wish they were about me. I want to be in that story and I wish I was. Those hockey players, I envy them as they live out their dreams while I'm still dreaming about mine.

Everything on there from the numbers to the words, they are all scars of who I am. Mistakes, reminders, and just plain nothing to tell me who I am, what I've been through and how to learn and get over it. It's just like life. I can cross out Dustin's name but he will always be there. I could rewrite everything as they fade away. It's just like how memories can stay forever. Everything on my backpack is me, I just wish I didn't regret parts of it.

Tell Me I'm Worth It

One time, when my friend was asked to "hang out" with a guy, she asked me to come with them. Why? I tend to help people out of awkward situations by starting conversations because that's what I do. I'm a conversation starter, whether I say "You're weird." or "I like your hair.", I always tend to make something out of one sentence. I am a very open person but today, I don't want to be so open.

Every conversation I have ever had, most of the time, has been started by me. The talks I have with my friends on the phone were all because I called them first. My AIM chats, I say hi first. On Myspace, Facebook, etc., I always start first.

For once though, I want to be the second person to be in the conversation. I want to be talked to for once. I want someone to come to me. I don't want to be the ice breaker. I show them that I want to talk to them. I show them that they are worth going up to and talking to, even if I hardly know them. For today, just one day, I want to see if I'm worth it. Am I? Do my best friends actually want to talk to me or am I just there?

In and Out of Grasp

I don't know why I like him so much. I mean, honestly, I don't even know what makes him different from everyone I know. He's funny, sure, as many people I know are. He's cute, yes, but I have a lot of guy friends and some even better looking. Is it because he's from my rival school? But I've dated a person from my rival school so that's not it.

I don't know, he's just there. He has that...ability? He can make me tell him things I'd never tell anyone. He can make me trust him so easily. I just don't understand. Why does he mean so much to me if he hasn't even been in my life for more than a month?

I trust easily, I know that much but what about his best friend? I met him around the same time but I've known him longer. I can't tell that guy anything yet when it comes to M.B., he doesn't even have to say anything, I'll spill it all to him.

Maybe it's how he never judges me. Maybe it's because when I told him something that would make people walk away, he stayed saying that he didn't care. I just don't get it. Why did he stay? Why did I let him?

I have two facades. The first one people see is the one where I am a complete bitch. I tend to trust easily so I guess I just don't want people to get too close. The second one is where I am the happy me, I just lie about the way I feel by being hyper and random. Well, he never even saw the bitch part of me. From the start, I was nice to him. And the second part, he did see but he got through that too. I act hyper and crazy when I'm in public but when its me talking to him, I don't know, I just tell him the truth because I feel like he is the only one who will understand. The funny part is, I feel like I trust him more than my best friend whom I've known since third grade.

People keep telling me to ask him out and get with him already but I don't think I'll ever tell him that I like him. It's not about getting rejected or him breaking my heart, it's about losing him. I don't want to lose him. I want him to stay with me forever, even if that means wanting and wishing for something I can't have. But that's life right? You can't get everything you want, even if you are probably just one question away from having it.

Oh, So That's Why

You can never understand something until you've been through it. I guess I could say LESSON LEARNED. There are a lot of people out there that cheat on others and you say that they are inconsiderate jerks. Well, maybe that's true but there is a reason for everything, even that.

Some people cheat because they just don't know how to break it off with someone. I know it's bad to lead someone on but I guess I see where it's coming from now.

I got a boyfriend a week ago. It wasn't exactly a relationship as it only lasted a few hours until I broke up with him. I broke up with him because I figured out that I liked his friend and I knew little to nothing about him. It took me three hours to find out that I wanted to break it off and that made me feel bad. I mean, I just got with the guy, he told all his friends, and I decide that I like one of his best friends?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that cheating is bad but now I know why people do it. I probably would've led him on too if it wasn't for my friends telling me to tell him the truth. Well, at least I can use that for future reference.