10:30pm I Guess I Do Need Him

Dear Diary,

You know how many independent women say they don't need a guy to live? Well, guess what. I'm one of the majority that do. Pretty sad, huh?

Today, at the game, he wasn't there. And I sucked like shit. I kept missing the birdie and making it hit the net. It's ironic how I was okay but now it's getting worse. I used to think that it was nothing. Just a crush, nothing big. Apparently, it isn't. I haven't gotten over him. I can't look away. Hell, I can't even stay away.

And I keep wondering. When? When will it stop? When will it go away? It shouldn't be like this. Life in high school was fine until he showed up in my life. It hurts like hell. And the worst part, I need him. I can't do anything unless I think he'll approve. I can't play unless he is there. I need him

Love Jen

11:20am Bottled Up Inside, The Song

I wrote this song according to Bottled Up Inside. I hope you like it. It just came to me.

I try to hide
And I succeed
My stoic face
Never decieving me
The hurt I always feel
You could never tell
I keep it all to myself

And it tortures me
Every single day
Yet I can't seem to
Walk away
From you
I keep it bottled up inside
You don't know how I feel inside
You don't know how I feel inside

I suffer all over again
And it's killing me
The smiles I smile they're never real
Look in my eyes and you'll see the real deal

And it tortures me
Every single day
Yet I can't seem to
Walk away
From you
I keep it bottled up inside
You don't know how I feel inside
You don't know how I feel inside

I look away
Every time I see that look in your eyes
I look up at the blue skies
Thinking why why
Why does it torture me
Every single day
Why can't I seem to
Walk away
From you
I keep it bottled up inside
You don't know how I feel inside
You don't know how I feel inside

It's killing me
And I can't seem to leave
I don't understand
How I can let it torture me
Every single day
Yet I can't seem to
Walk away
From you
I keep it bottled up inside
You don't know how I feel inside
You don't know how I feel inside

My heart is shredding
And you're not letting
It get any easier for me
I know I can't blame you
You don't know
The hurt I feel for you
The hurt I feel when I get a glimpse of you
Of you

And it tortures me
Every single day
Yet I can't seem to
Walk away
From you
I keep it bottled up inside
You don't know how I feel inside
You don't know how I feel inside

The pain I feel
It makes me cry
And now my heart
It desintegrates
The only person that can stop it is you
Just you

And it tortures me
Every single day
Yet I can't seem to
Walk away
From you
I keep it bottled up inside
You don't know how I feel inside
You don't know how I feel inside

So when I lay in bed tonight
I don't want to ever wake up
'Cause I know I'll dream of you
I'll dream of you

7:34pm: Bottled Up Inside

Dear Diary,

And he hurts me again. Over and over. Nothing fades but will it ever?

I haven't been myself lately. Or so I've been told. People, my friends, repeatedly asked me if I was okay today but am I? Was "I'm fine" a good description of my feelings? Of what I see when I see them?

I haven't told anyone. Truth is, I didn't even notice until today. Was I looking for a distraction when I looked the other way or was I just preventing myself from getting hurt? It's probably the latter because whenever I saw the slightest thing out of the corner of my eye, I had to think "happy thoughts" just to keep my eyes normal, not teary. I do not like crying in public. I just don't like my pride being torn like that so I just had to keep a composed face.

I keep a straight face. I try to smile but it lasts for only a second or two. It's hard. I listened to music. I tried to drown it all out. Drown out what I saw, what I'd probably hear. I just couldn't think of it. Not again. I just couldn't. So I put Just Want You To Know by the Backstreet Boys on repeat on a green ipod just to help me not think. Just not think about it. About them.

So I sang along with the lyrics. Sometimes in my head, other times out loud. But did it drown out the hurt, get rid of the tears? No, never. It replays over and over again. Nothing can stop the
image from taking over my mind.

Once lunch was over, the only thing I could think of was getting the hell out of there. I just walked fast to my backpack and put my ipod away. Then, I grabbed my backpack and racket bag and left. Without a goodbye to all my friends, apart from one, I just needed an escape. Maybe it was to my most hated class but anywhere but there would be heaven to me. I just couldn't stand there. If you were in my shoes, what would you have done?

So you would think that he is just a guy. Sure he is a guy but to me, he is everything. Everything and he doesn't know it, probably never will. And I bet you just want to say "Don't worry, you'll get over it. You are only in high school. It's just a crush." but let me tell you something. It's not just a crush and I'm pretty sure it's not love but it's in between the two. And that's enough to make me cry when I think about him and keep me dreaming about him at night.

I have all these questions. Unanswered questions but the one that is most important to me, the one I have bottled up inside, will stay that way. Bottled up, inside.

Love Jen.